Jokes(Smile plz)

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KEN
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Jokes(Smile plz)

Post by KEN »

I decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!

When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

What is fat, ginger and pregnant?---------------> Nothing.. :)

Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

what has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA

Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.

just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.

a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?

i want to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.

I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.

remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.

I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them. :-O

Beautifull girls online? i m telling u a fact,dont use wrinkle reducing creams,they never works.proof: coz if they wud work,u shud hav been not having any finger prints at first xD

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses at others houses. :O

Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions. :)
_______________________________________________________

Question and answer type jokes:

Q-Why did they bury the Indian on the hill?
A-Because he was dead.

Q-What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A-"Where's my tractor?"

Q-What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?
A-Elephant banana sine theta.

Q-If you're an American when you're out of the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
A: European

Q-Why did the blonde jump off the bridge?
A-Because she was depressed.

Q-What did the girl fungus say to the boy fungus?
A-You're a real fun guy.

Q-What do a fish says when it hits a wall?
A-DAM

Q-What is red and invisible?
A-No Tomato

Q-How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass?
A- Quite Satisfying!

Q-What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A-Pork Chop

Q-Do you know why you'll never starve to death in the desert?
A-Because of the sandwhiches there.

Q-What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitalia?
Still no fucking eye deer.
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KEN
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Re: Jokes(Smile plz)

Post by KEN »

Apart from 1st post edit,here in 2nd post r long jokes which r one of my facourites :)

1> Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.


2>I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

3>An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

4>A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

5>Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

6>A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."
vitezomanu
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Re: Jokes(Smile plz)

Post by vitezomanu »

My wife asked me to describe her.
I said : "You're A B C D E F G H I J K."
She said : "What's that mean?"
I said : "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She said : "Ooohh that's so lovely"
But what about I J K?
"I'm Just Kidding."
Soapy
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Re: Jokes(Smile plz)

Post by Soapy »

Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions. :) THATS NOT A JOKE, thats a sad truth lol
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